The Life of Me, Smile Magee :)

I know basically no one reads this blog . So I'm using it for journalistic purposes today. I'm using this to remind me of the day I wanted to die. Cause it's a day I always need to remember Haha! I'm glad I finally beat you 😉 jk jk lol. Your just so good at being sweet and checking on me. Seriously you have no Idea how much that means to me. ❤️. Quite honestly this week has been so rough. you know that big GI appt that was suppose to change my life for the better. Well.. The GI said he couldn't do anything to help me. ( Even though there is a lot he still could do. He refused to do more test or even look for tumors. Which I get atleast 3 cut out everytime I get a scope. ) so I left that appt devastated. I had lost all hope, litterally I had never felt so low in my life. I hate admiting this but I wanted to legitly die. I knew I needed heavenly fathers guidance. So I texted / called this lady I met at one of the wards BAWLING and asking her if she could find some...

It's been hard being away from my family and friends back at home today.  But this Easter Sunday in general I am so greatful for the savior and his atonement.  The ward we went to has to be my favorite one so far, it was full of just super sweet and funny people.  The bishop came up and introduced himself to me and my mom. He asked why I was here, so I told him " that Im here for the mayo clinic, and that there not finding answers so who knows how long I'll be here" and he just took my hand, and Said. " we will be your family while you are here. You need anything, you call me. You are not going through this alone. Tears stung my eyes as he said that. Because of the saviors atonement, that he willingly did, we will not go through life alone. It's like what Jeffery R. Holland " because Jesus walked such a long, lonely path utterly alone, we do not have to do so."  And as this same bishop talked in church, it hit me, that the savior had felt his...

I've been trying to get my emotions out more in my writting. Tomorrow I see the GI at the Mayo Clinic, and I'm afraid. I'm so scared it's hard to put into average words So today I thought I'd share my emotions in poetry form.  The title of this poem is. Rubix Cube I'm afraid of most Middle Aged men in white coats. The ones that  greet you will a reassuring handshake. Which is never reassuring. A smile is drawn across there lips. But it never shows in there eyes. Don't get me wrong, Some white coats are kind, some do care, Those are the ones who change your life for the better. But the white coats who haunt my dreams , see you as a walking rubix cube. A puzzle there paid to solve. They move the peices back and forth, and try to get the perfect picture But they give up, when they can't get the colors to match. Because they have other puzzles that are easier to solve. And they paint the squares that don't match into the color they want ...

During church today, I reflected on a memory from Girls Camp ( a youth camp my church does each summer for girls age 12-18). During this girls camp we did an activity called a "Faith walk" we were each blindfolded, and told to hold on to a rope, that would lead us through path. We were then told that at any point of this exercise we could raise our hand if we needed help. Being the super stubborn girl I am, I was determined that I was not going to raise my hand no matter what the circumstance. I was going through the path pretty well, till I landed right in a Sticker-bush.  But still I was determined, to not raise my hand, I knew that I could get myself out of this.  No matter what way I twisted, or turned, or moved my feet in that dang sticker bush, I always ended up falling right back down again, my arms and legs were completely cut up. But  still I didn't give in, and I didn't raise my hand.. Until Our bishop ( which is like a pastor) calmly whispered in my ear ...

Haha :) I thought that I would share with you all a funny memory tonight. Sometimes we learn a lot of things from an innocent mistake!! So in my middle school we had " spirit week", so for that one week during the school year, each day we would come to school dressed as different things ( for example Pj day you were your pjs, rockstar day, you dress up as a rockstar ) During my sixth grade year, one of our spirit week days was " Athlete day", and I had absolutely no idea what to dress as. Sports hurt me, I had no athletes I admired cause I had never followed sports, and in all honesty the only piece of athletic clothing I owned were my brothers old PE Shorts.  I racked my brain the entire weekend, thinking  about what athlete I was going to be, I searched my brain to see if there was an athlete I admired. Then on Sunday night when I was about to give up, because I just couldn't think of an athlete I admired, i thought of my uncle who has autism and ran in...

My plan to not tell a soul about my pain filled body was flawless, until about the age of 14. During that time I hurt my hand in a babysitting accident, and it just wouldn't stop hurting. It wasn't the typical ache I always felt. It was this stinging, burning pain, which was added on to every time my hand even brushed up against  something. (I later learned that what I was feeling was nerve pain). I saw my Regular Dr, who refereed me to a specialist, which snow balled into me Seeing a countless number of Drs because none of them new what was wrong. At each appointment something inside me would scream " Tell them about the other parts of your body that have always hurt!" But I didn't dare. I didn't want to be that kid who for the rest of my life was bounced around from Drs office from Drs office. I didn't want my childhood fear to come true and end up being labeled  " Magee the freak " for the rest of my days. But when a Dr at the c...

Dear Dr, whoever you may be When I come into your office, how do you see me? Just a patient, a name on a screen, Another body to get in and out of your office, so you can do your thing? Would you be the one to look at me, nod your head at the right moments. scribble notes, as I tell you my story. But then with no answers of a diagnosis  coming  to your brain, would  you o so intelligently exclaim. "Nothing is  deadly wrong, that I can see, your broken pieces can't be fixed by me! Your happy, and sick, this I cannot explain. So I guess you must be insane! " Dear Dr, Whoever you may be, did you take the time to really notice me? I'm sick and I'm scared, trying to be as brave as I can be. At the age of 20 an unknown illness is attacking me. I smile because I'm trying to make the best out of what I've been given. But Dear Dr. I didn't come to you for fun, I came to you because I want to keep on living. Dear Dr., remember with every pa...