I have been debating for months whether or not to write this blog post. Because there are real people involved in this story who could get there feelings hurt by the words I type.
( That's honestly why I haven't written on my blog for so long.)
But I feel as though I need to Share this story. And I have no negative feelings. So I hope to not write this in a way that any feelings could be hurt.
Every story has 2 sides to it. And this is my side of the story.
( identities have been changed for that purpose )
For 14 years I kept my pain a secret.
No one outside of my immediate family, and my best friend knew about the struggles I faced on a daily basis.
Like most people who are chronically ill. I found my own way to camoflauge myself in the healthy world.
I made jokes with a slackers "to cool for school attitude, "to excuse my sick kid quirks, like sitting whenever I could, butting in the lunch line (when my legs just couldn't take standing anymore), and missing a ton of school.
I convinced my friends that my mom was super strict and wouldn't let me go out much, When in all honesty I was really just to exhausted and sore after a day of school to do anything
I used humor and pseudo confidence as a crutch, to get me out of any sticky situation my illness put me in.
Sure I lied a lot. But in my own twisted way I lied to survive. I was convinced that if others knew of my weaknesses. ( My health problems.) I would only be perceived as weak.
So I adapted to every new normal, ( every new symptom) and adapted my life so it would work for me.
At age 14, my freshmen year in highschool. I finally felt like I had everything together.
My health was a mess. But I felt as though I finally knew how to live with a malfunctioning body, and still be a somewhat Normal functioning teenager.
I was extremely active in my schools drama and choir department.
Near the end of the year I was excited and terrified when basically a dream of mine came true and I was the only female freshman cast in the schools end of the year "
Musical review"
Due to my ever increasing amount of Drs appts,
And amounts of school I had to miss. I decided to be brave, pull the director aside before practice, and tell her the true reason why I had to miss so much.
She was basically the first person outside of my family I told about my illness.
I just felt that she would have to understand, because she was open about her battle with a chronic illness.
I told her everything, begged her to keep my illness a secret, and she agreed that she wouldn't tell a soul.
I left are conversation feeling confident that I had an Allie, and felt reassured that everthing was going to be ok.
But a few weeks later, to be exact 1 week before our first performance everything changed.
We we're rehearing the number " 6 months out of every year" from the musical ""Damn Yankees"
(It was my absolute favorite song to preform in the whole show.)
I had missed last practice due to a flare, and when I got on stage, I was surprised to learn that our opening position
( where we were frozen in place) for the number had changed.
But when I tried to do the position I was MORTIFIED to learn that I just couldn't do it.
For some reason the way we had to bend our knees caused
My already swollen knees to buckle, and just burst with pain.
I could barley hold my place; and had to literally bite my cheek just to keep from crying out.
I said a silent prayer of gratitude when 10 minutes later the directior was pulled away and we got a break.
I couldn't take the pain any more.
So near the end of the break when I saw the director walking back in.
I privately walked to the director and in a voice almost
as soft as a whisper I said to her.
" I'm so sorry, and I'm
So embarrassed to say this... but Because of my "joint problems" I just can't physically do the opening position to "6 months". I don't want to ruin the number.
So is there any possible pose I could do that looks similar, But doesn't make you bend your knees as much?"
I don't know if it was from lack of sleep, or the stress of the performance being so soon.
But at that moment my director lost it.
With fire in her eyes she screamed at me " YOU CAN"T DO THIS?! ( as she mocked the movement I physsicaly couldn't do ) I CAN do it! Don't be pathetic, You can to!
You better not use your body as a freaken excuse."
Then she proceed to scream at the top of her lungs,
and release every bit of health information I had privately told her....
Every single piece of medical info I had begged her to keep private.
I as I turned and saw the looks of pure shock on my cast mates faces,
I felt the most naked I've ever felt my whole life.
Because of someone's quick thoughtless words,
I could begin to feel my whole world, crumble around me.
With a River of tears flowing down my cheeks. All
I could exclaim was " I QUIT!"
As I ran sobbing off of the stage, as my best friend followed quickly behind me.
Neither of us could drive, our houses were a mile away, and I couldn't stand to be on the schools property any longer.
So despite the intense amount of pain I was in we began the long walk home.
Tears wouldn't stop and with each step, I began to truly feel the reality of what just happened.
Basically my whole life, my reputation, everything I have protected, and worked to keep hidden was broken, shattered beneath my feet.
And could never be put back together.
As this trail of tears continued.
Me and my best friend decided to sit down infront of the local mill.
And as soon as we sat.
I got a phone call from an unknown number.
I answered the phone, and I heard familiar voices say " We love you Magee! " and then the whole cast of the Music review , ( who I later learned was piled in a friends car)
Began to sing the song " Perfect" by pink to me.
( Because of that moment that song still holds a very special place in my heart.)
Tears started falling again, but for all the right reasons.
I did end up not quiting and held yo my commitment to finish the show.
But my life was forever changed that day.
Most people get to choose if and when they get to tell others about their illness.
As word of what happened that Night spread around my small town.
I was ripped out of the chronic pain closet, and basically thrown into a new world I knew nothing about.
Somedays, when I'm angry and discouraged at the way I've been treated because I'm sick.
A part of me still wonders how long I could have kept up the charade about my health.
But a part of me will forever be grateful that my director did, what I honestly would have never been brave enough to do.
Being sick, and having everyone know it is devastating.
But it's also one of the most liberating things I have experienced.
That directors choice (however wrong it may have been ) changed my life, in some ways for the worse.
But in a lot of ways for the better.
I know that without her, I wouldn't be writing this blog post today.
Until next time. Stay strong and smile on😊
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