2019 was the year everything changed.
I rang off the year with a brand new blood disorder.
People I thought would be in my life forever became strangers.
People who I never thought would be important in my life, became like family.
My grandpa who for most of my life lived 5 minutes away .
Moved 3 hours away.
Days that were spent with Netflix in the background to cover a deafening silence.
We’re now filled with screams, giggles, and Kids TV
Leaving me to wonder if I remembered what silence actually sounded like.
I thought my family would never again live anywhere close to eachother.
But somehow we ended up crossing the continent.
Living in the same state.
Being closer than we have been in so many ways
And being able to be together for Christmas and my Birthday.
In 2019, I lost a lot of my health.
Between millions of appointments and thousands of medical test.
( Counting end of December 2018 .)
I had 4 inpatient admissions.
Each basically lasting a week or more.
And 1 ICU stay.
And had countless moments were I wondered “ Will I even make it to see the new year?”
In 2019 I was constantly remembered that I am not in charge of my health.
No matter how well I follow doctors instructions, how healthy of food I eat, how hard I try.
I am not in charge of my health.
I am not in charge at all.
God is.
In 2018 I decided that My New Years resolution for 2019 was to “ Treat myself like someone I love “ .
But in 2019.
I learned that if you trust and follow God, you will learn that your life, and the person you are, is worth loving.
In 2018, I was scared.
Scared of my body, scared of the future.
Scared to be a failure, scared to be a disappointment to others.
scared that people only liked me because of my illness.
Scared, that I wasn’t sharing my story Right
Guilty because I was still so scared, even though God has given me so much.
And in 2019.. I’m still scared.
But now I know. It’s ok to be afraid.
Because courage isn’t the absence of fear.
It’s the strength to move forward despite of it.
And having fear doesn’t mean you don’t have faith, it doesn’t mean you aren’t grateful.
It means your human.
And that fear, and the anger and tears that come with it, are sometimes the only thing that can bring you to your knees, and have moments where you truly get to know the majesty and compassion of God
In 2019.
I technically got my first job.
I got multiple articles published on multiple sites.
I became a regular vlogger.
I had the best day of my life, and was able to make life long goals and promises with God when I went through the temple.
I had endless hours full of laughter, and with my sister made the smallest moments into an adventure.
I learned how to cook a meal and not give someone food poisoning.
I survived what I was sure would kill me.
I lost my health.
But I found myself.
And as I head into 2020.
With a Twinkie in my eye, and a limp in my step
( litterally this limp isn’t getting better with The prednisone. I think this tumor in my leg might be a problem 😅)
Surrounded by people I love.
My only goal for 2020 is to
“Persist”
To move forward . Despite how hard or nearly impossible it seems.
To chase new and old passions,
To never give up on a better health and quality for life.
To be kind to everyone, most definitely including myself.
To continue in faith, even when the world seems dark.
And To not get Caught up in the future, and strive to make the best, out of each day I’m given.
Tomorrow isn’t promised.
I can’t look at you in the face, and say I’ll be here for the first day of 2021.
But you can’t say that either.
I promise you. That no matter what this year . Heck, no matter what joy, miracles, pain or heartache this new decade may bring. I’m going to experience every moment, every emotion
And fully experience each and every today ❤️.
Make it a great new year,
And always #smileon🐷
Comments
Post a Comment