The Realities of a Really Hard Night

And all it takes is one moment.

One moment on a day that your trying to force yourself to believe isn’t terrible.

To make yourself snap.

Your not one to cry.

But you find yourself bawling, as you struggle to keep your nebulizer in your trembling lips.

Realizing this is going to be your life. 

This is forever going to be your life 

Where the treatments that keep you alive, are destined to kill you.

Where the disease your trying so hard to fight, and understand 

Changes the game on a seconds notice.

Making it that much harder, on the quest to not let it kill you.

Parts of you are always going to fail 

New tumors are always going to grow.

The pain .. the constant pain isn’t going to stop.

This . Is . Your .life. 

Your have been biting your tounge, in immense pain all day, but trying to hold it together 

And your sweet nieces kept on crawling up on your legs to give you a hug, and make you smile 

But You don’t have the heart to tell

Them no.. even though your legs are covered in bruises.

You don’t want to be the aunt who is a “fragile China doll”.. the one they have to be Afraid of. 

You want to be the aunt who gets a toddler cannon balling on to her lap, all but to excited to give her a hug and kiss 

But every time you see the bruises , or there little feet step on the bouquet of bruises on your thigh.

Fear pierces your heart, as you wonder if the bruises are just from the fact you live with kids and a giant dog.

Or if your platelets are tanking yet again. 

Tears stain your face, as you try to shake off the awful tachycardia your nebulizer gives you. 

That being upset definitely isn’t helping.

You can finally breathe without wheezing.

But your chest is to tight.

You can’t help but wonder.

If It’s just because your actually crying for the first time

In months.

Or if your lungs, that were coughing blood a week ago, are trying to tell you something is still very wrong. 

Will you ever not be afraid? 

Latley it seems like every time you hear a sniffle ,  your reminded of your freakishly low immune goblin levels.

Every time you try to force yourself to Walk normally .. but still have that pain filled limp.

You wonder why a tumor that shouldn’t be hurting . Is causing so much pain .

And when you look in the mirror,

After only having a month where you actually once again enjoyed your reflection.

You get a familiar pounding behind your eyes. 

Look in the mirror and see.. once again your eyes are swelling ..

Which means your Inter ocular pressures Are up.

Which is a term no 24 year old should know. 

But after loosing part of your vision. It’s a term you know to well.

Tonight.

You go to bed exhausted.

Angry, sad, confused, hurt .

You wish you could get down on your knees and just plead to God to take this all away.

But you know that your in so much pain. That if you got on your knees you wouldn’t be able to get back up off of the ground.

So with a shakey breath. As you lay, feeling like nothing more than a broken lump of flesh.

Almost in a whisper you ask him.

Can you help me get through tomorrow.. And every day after that?