This week, for some reason I can't stop thinking about one of those moments.
It was like a couple years ago, but I was in the thick of my IV days so the details are a bit fuzzy. But It was during an appointment with my GP, and there was a crapload of paperwork we needed him to do. So I'm pretty sure It was another attempt at Repealing my insurance, so I could go to the Mayo Clinic, so we could hopefully finally diagnose the giant medical mystery which is my body.
I was watching him fill out some paper work. I saw him write " Prognosis.. Unknown"
I had already cheated death a couple of times before that appointment.
But for some reason during this appointment, after seeing those words written, it finally hit me.., I finally truly realized That whatever this disease I'm fighting could kill me.
And that harsh reality hit me like a ton of bricks.
( To me the scariest part of any illness, especially an seemingly undiagnosable one is the unknown.
There was a time in my life when I thought my disease would only affect my joints.. And now it also affects my heart, lungs, eyes, tendons, stomach, colon, skin, causes Radom tumor growth etc. )
When it finally hit me, that my life expectancy was part of that unknown.
It litterally shook me to my core.
Some days it still does.
But the thing I've had to learn, is that healthy or not. We're all living with a anvil hanging over our heads.
None of us know how long we are going to be on this earth.
People go there whole life's expecting forever, so they plan there happiness to the future. And end up dying Before they actually start living
I think being sick, and coming to the terms that my life may not be as long as I want it to be. Has given me the unique opportunity to cease every moment.
You don't realize how blessed you are, until you realize that blessing can be taken away.
There has been few times in my life we're I honestly didn't think I was going to make it.
But those terrifying, earth shattering moments have taught me that life is way to short and worth way to much to ever be taken for granted.
Hopefully I live an amazingly long life.
Hopefully one day I"ll be a colleage student, a Newly wed, a mom, and the purple haired geezer of a grandma I've always dreamed of being.
Hopefully I'll hit all those " mile stones " I've dreamed of
But that isn't up to me.
I know that God has a great plan for me.
But No matter how long or short my life may be.
I'm going to live my life helping others.
I'm going to find beauty in even the mundaine moments
I'm going to laugh as often and I can.
I'm going to tell the ones I love just how much I love them.
I'm going to be brave, strong and spontaneous.
I am going to fight.
I'm going to live my life as if it was a gift.. because life is a gift.
I'm not going to waste any second I've been given
I hope I am able to live a life that shows how truly grateful I am for every moment I've been given
Life is a gift. Please don't waste it. and smile on ❤️
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