I came into 2017 with a twinkle in my eye, and the knowledge that I wasn’t currently actively dying in my heart.
Thanks to a Miracle
( the accidental discovery that my body and all it’s faulty parts LOVE and NEED prednisone ) I was finally off IV nutrition.
I was gaining weight
( I was starting to resemble a women with actual curves, instead of an alien that desperately needed a cheeseburger)
My body was attempting to digest food.
( I looked extremely pregnant.. but hey my urine wasn’t full of ketones. So I counted that as a major success!)
I had a team of doctors that I deeply trusted.
And I thought 2018 was going to be MY YEAR.
Maybe the year I start school,
Go on a grand adventure.
And leave hospitals, IVs, and appointments in the past where they belonged.
Me and my best friend have a tradition We started about when we were like 8 years old. that whatever song we hear at midnight on New Year’s Day is our theme song for the year..
And when it was “ The Greatest” by Sia
I was just CERTAIN that 2017 would finally be MY year.
And that it truly would be the GREATEST.
And man alive.. that was the most inaccurate feeling I have ever had in my life!
If I could describe my 2017 in one word. That word would be STRUGGLE.
Don’t get me wrong 2017 had some AMAZING moments
like getting my amazing puppy Bernie,
going to DisneyLand for the first time..
and eating a cream cheese filled soft pretzel at Disneyland 😍. I still have dreams about those pretzels.
( And I hope my future husband fills me with as much joy as those pretzels do 😂)
But from my best friend of 11 years My amazing Coccapoo Sammy passing away.
being diagnosed with cancer, to being diagnosed with glaucoma seriously less than a month after I was diagnosed with cancer.
2017 seemed to constantly have one struggle after another.
2017 seemed to constantly have one struggle after another.
When it rained, it hurricaned ..
And when it drizzled, it gave you only a moment of decent weather so you could prepare for the next storm.
But like a quote I love and LIVE by from ― Haruki Murakami states
“And once the storm is over, you won’t remember how you made it through, how you managed to survive. You won’t even be sure, whether the storm is really over. But one thing is certain. When you come out of the storm, you won’t be the same person who walked in. That’s what this storm’s all about.”
The storm of 2017.
Changed me forever, and for the better.
And Now that the storm which is 2017 is coming to an end
Im walking out of the storm. ( battle scars and all ) proud of what I have accomplished, what I have survived, and how this storm has changed me
So I would like to share with you all the 3 main things I have learned in 2017
But I will share them in 3 separate blog post
( so you don’t have to read a novel)
But today I will share with you maybe the most important thing I learned in 2017
That Self Care isn’t Selfish.. it’s essential.
In early March 2017 I had a tumor removed from the bottom of my ribcage that doctors where 100000% convinced that it was benign.
But on March 10th 2017 I received a phone call I will never forget.
My surgeon called me personally to tell me that my biopsy results had came back. And that tumor wasn’t benign after all.
It was diagnosed as DFSP
(dermatofibrosarcomaprotuberans.. a rare form of soft tissue sarcoma. So rare it is nicknamed “ unicorn cancer)
After he told me I had cancer. I asked him if I could put the phone on speaker. And I’m grateful I did.
Because after that my world stopping spinning.
And I didn’t hear a word he said.
For days after I got my diagnosis
It felt like I was trapped underwater unable to think, unable, to move, unable to breathe, even though I was on dry land.
I had almost 6 months of being dependent on IV nutrition.
I still had multiple chronic illnesses that were either trying to end my life, or make it 10 thousand times more difficult.
And now I had cancer.
I didn’t know whether or not to laugh at the Insane irony of the fact that girl with the impossibly complicated, and nearly impossible to diagnose auto immune disease. Somehow also managed to get UNICORN CANCER.
Or to lay in my bed, and drown in the river of tears that were threatening to burst out of my eyes at a seconds notice.
Not knowing what to do. I plastered on a smile, pretending to be brave.
As each new day, every fear and every aspect of the unknowns that came with my new diagnosis, pooled inside of me and made it harder and harder to breathe.
And made me feel more and more numb inside.
A couple days before I was going to meet with my oncologist for the first time.
A girl I had never met from my valley
( who had just recently ended a battle with active cancer)
Sent me a message and asked me if I wanted to get lunch.
With tears brimming my eyes I typed back that I would.
( I was so insanely grateful to be able to talk to someone who had been in this situation before.. and ask her the questions I’ve been dying to ask someone, and get the answer to)
We got to the restaurant, and I almost immediately asked her the question that had been haunting me the most
“ How did you get your family through your cancer?”
When I asked her that at first she just stared at me with a puzzled look.
So I asked her again
“ How did you get your family through your cancer?
My family has already been through so much when it comes to my other illnesses and I’m afraid it’s going to be to much for them.
Also my brother is currently on deployment and I just don’t want to add any extra stress to his already full plate.
How can I make sure my family is ok through all of this?”
And then she told me something that absolutely changed my life.
With determination to get her point across bursting through her eyes she responded.
“ First of all you have to realize YOU are going through this.. not them.
YOU are the one who has cancer. Not them
YOUR life is forever going to be changed.
And you have to figure out how YOU are going to deal with all this”
And after she said that I just sat there absolutely dumfounded.
Because I realized that before she said that.
I had never thought, or even cared about how I was going to mentally, physically, and emotionally deal with my cancer diagnosis.
And even when it came to my other diagnosis or diseases.
I realized that I truly have never given my mental health, emotional wellbeing, and how I was going to deal with all that was loaded on my plate a second thought.
I always just swept my emotions under the rug.
Did what I needed to do to keep my malfunctioning body alive.
And found a way to help someone else who was going through a hard time.
So the sunshine that only service can bring would brighten the dark fearful spots in my heart:
It took a Cancer diagnoses,
And the much needed words from an almost stranger
( who I know have the privilege to call a friend) for me to realize...
that self care isn’t selfish, it’s essential.
I still firmly believe that one of the best ways to find joy is to serve others.
But you can’t just hide every bad emotion you feel under the rug.
And honestly you can’t fully help others until you help yourself.
Sometimes you have to lay on your bed, and SOB like the tears just may never stop as you listen to the same ed Sheeran song on repeat.
Sometimes you have to yell, scream, and even throw shoes in a child like rage in Ross
Because life isn’t fair, and chronically ill girls shouldn’t also get cancer
( I may have Learned this lesson through personal experience 😅)
Sometimes you have to take yourself away from the world,
From your situation
And lay in a fabulously warm epson salt infused bathtub and watch the office on Netflix on your iPad.
And try to remind yourself that there is still joy in this world
You have to have the strength to let that wall of “ faking healthy” smiles, “I’m
Ok” , “ it’s fine”, “ I can do this”
Crumble to the ground.
And admit that sometimes it’s good, and even healthy not to be ok
Life is full of so many of emotions.
Good, bad , happy, awful, exciting, agrivating, and sad
And 2017 Taught me that fully practicing self care, and living life to its fullest
Requires you to be brave enough to let yourself fully experience every single emotion life has to offer.
Watch out for part 2-3 of my blog post
( which wlll be posted tomorrow )
Rememember Self Care isn’t selfish. Itsessential
Stay strong and always
Smile on
This Blog post is dedicated to Sammy ❤️
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