Dear future husband: From a girl with chronic illness

I saw a blog that was a girls letter to her future husband. I honestly i just couldn't relate to it. So I decided to get real tonight and write my own version of it. I hope you can relate. And I hope it reminds you that you deserve true love. Someone who holds on to his end of in sickness in health. Who will love you for better for worse and for eternity. Fight for your fairytale and smile on.

 Dear future husband :
I'm so excited for you. I pray for you often. But in all honesty I fear you. I fear you won't be able to handle " all this". That you will love the lanky outgoing girl with a bright smile. But you won't be able to handle this monster of an invisible illness that I've carried with me most of my life.. I fear that you will love me at my best. But not to be able to handle me at my worst, and believe me there are going to be a lot of medical worst.  Some of the easier times will be hours  spent in Hospitals and Drs offices. There will be times were I can barley stand let alone walk. There will be times were I am literally fighting for my life. Through out the rest of my life, I'll never know health wise what tomorrow will bring. I'm Afraid you will tell me over and over that you can handle my illness and all it entails. But that in the long run the thing we will fight about most are my limits and my illness, and that you will grow to hate me over something I can't control. I fear that you won't be able to handle this monster of an illness and you will leave me when I need you to be by my side. I need you to help me through my darkest moments, to make me laugh when my world is falling apart. I need you not to boss me around about my health. I know my limits. I dont need  a critic, or another doctor.  I just need you to love me, no matter what life brings. I promise I'll do the same for you.
Every time I date a guy I have a fear that he will see this invisible illness that will never hide as long as I want it to. When I loose my breath, when my joints give out and I'm limping during our whole date I don't cringe cause I'm in pain.. I cringe because your seeing my greatest weakness.. My biggest struggle.
Almost every  time a guy has seen my illness emerge from the shadows they look at me as though suddenly I'm different. Like all the sudden I turn from "fun cute girl"  to " damaged goods".

Future husband I'm not going to introduces myself to you and say " hey I have this and this disease, guess how many times I've been hospitalized?!"
I'm not my illness, but my illness is a big part of me. It is by far my greatest weakness, but it has given me my biggest strengths. It has taught me patience, faith, empathy, endurance, persistence, and true gratitude.. It has made me into a fighter.
I may not be able to clean a whole house by myself, I won't be able to hike a mountain, or do crazy athletic things with you, and I may basically fail at all home making skills. But what I have learned from this disease will make me a 10 times better wife and mom that I would have been without it.
Future husband I have a guard up, I just don't let anyone in. My illness has shown me that I need to pick people carefully. A Lot of people I thought I could rely on changed completely when they learned I was sick. I view marriage as an eternity with someone. A forever 50/ 50 partnership. I'm not going to make make the choice in who I marry lightly. Knowing me I won't tell you about my illness till I really see something special in you.. That shows me your not like the rest.
Future husband I hope that whatever you doing right now  is helping you prepare for  " all this"
I promise you we will never have a boring moment. Even with my illness I'm still pretty dang awesome  :) We won't always fit together perfectly. Some places on both of us will be chipped or cracked But as long as we are together.  I'm just fine with us being perfectly imperfect.
Future husband even though I'm defiantly not ready to meet you yet. I know your out there. And I hope your preparing for me. Like I'm preparing for you.

Love : your future wife