What my illness has given me

It has taken me a LONG time to write this post.. I kept on attempting to cover it with sugar, instead of serve it to you strait. I'm going to be 1000% honest in this post, like I am in all my other ones.  I'm not going fill you full of all of this " my illness is the best gift in the world! I love it so much !" Crap cause if anyone says anything remotely close to that to you,  they are full of it. In all honesty I HATE my illness, I live in fear of it daily, it is my biggest struggle. But I have learned how to co exist with the monster Because neither of us are leaving anytime soon.

The best way to explain my relationship with my illness is one of my favorite quotes by Haruki Murakami



"And once the storm is over, you won’t remember how you made it through, how you managed to survive. You won’t even be sure, whether the storm is really over. But one thing is certain. When you come out of the storm, you won’t be the same person who walked in. That’s what this storm’s all about."

Well to be honest my medical storm hasn't ended and most likely never will.  It's leveled between a life ending, earth shattering monsoon, to a spring drizzle. But while I've fought my way through this storm I've changed, in all honesty I've changed for the better. In a strange way my illness has given me some of the qualities in myself that I am most grateful for.





Because of my illness I am strong
I'm not talking about the  ripped abs type of strong. I've always been physically weak. But My illness, especially during these past 2 1/2 years has made me strong in every other type of way.
 In no way do I want to toot my own horn while writing this blog post, A lot of people have survived much more than I have. But in all honesty I'm proud of the battles I won, and the times that I lost, but still continued to move forward.
 If you told me 3 years ago.. That I was going to have half my liver removed, have a basically paralyzed GI tract, get to a point were getting told I have a tumor isn't a big deal at all,  chronic nausea and vomiting, a feeding tube, Live off of IVs, etc... I would have laughed in your face "because you're insane,  I just have joint problems" or I actually believed you I would have experienced my first ever panic attack! My fear of needles is completely gone from being poked so much. I have Drs. rate painful experiences I have to experience from 1- liver surgery.
I've survived hell, I've shook deaths hand a couple of times, and I'm standing with (most of the time) a giant smile on my face.
Through this storm, Gods been able to take me, this girl who has always been physically frail and turn me into something strong, way stronger than I ever thought I could ever be.











Because of my illness I have learned what is most important.
I can pinpoint the exact moment when I realized what in life truly mattered. I was 17 lying in a hospital bed. About to be whisked away into a 5 hour surgery.  The anesthesiologist just came in to talk to me, and at that point it hit me. I could die during this surgery. These could be my last few moments of this earthly life.
 If I died today it wouldn't  matter how popular I was, how many boys liked me, how many parties I went to, or solos I got in choir. The thing that truly mattered was the  people I love the most ( my family) who were all either crammed in that hospital room. Or waiting anxiously for a call or text to see how everything went.  I didn't need a million "friends" . I just need those amazing few who have and will stick by me no matter what life will bring.
 Each recovery step after that surgery, especially the ICU ( were I was pretty sure I was going to die from the pain and full Body muscle spasms ) forever changed how I see life. We spend so much of our life waiting for a better tomorrow, stressing today away. But the thing illness has taught me is, there is no promise of tomorrow.
The most important thing is to let the people you love, know you love them, and make the best out of every "today" your lucky enough to receive.















Because of my illness I have learned what it truly means to have gratitude.

It took me getting sick, to make me realized just how lucky I am. There are literally dozens of blessings we experience daily that we don't even notice..  For example here are a couple  of the ones I have learned the hard way.



*The majority of the world is able to see are big and beautiful world with not only out of one but TWO eyes! If you think about it, or even have experienced otherwise you will realize just how amazing that is!

* We have this whole GI system. Stomach, intestines, Colon, working hard every day so we can digest food and keep on living are amazing lives!  If they ever decide to go on strike, believe me you will notice the difference! A working GI system is an extraordinary blessing!

* I didn't realize how much of a gift every breath was. Until breathing became painful, and well honestly a struggle for me. The fact that most of us can rely on our lungs, know that they are going to do there job without pain, without hassle, and without even any thought is truly extraordinary! What a blessing it is each time we are able to literally breathe easy!



In all honesty, I cringe when I think of all the things I use to take for granted. Each move we make, with or without pain, each heart beat, each time are organs work properly, these are basically little miracles.
The fact that we are still living, with all that could go wrong with our bodies is something Extraordinary.

I genuinely appreciate each day I'm alive, because there have been times in my life were I thought I was going to die. With what's going on with my body,  The main goal medically right now is not to "make me better." That's goal #2.  The main goal  honestly is to keep me alive.  I'm coming to accept the fact that my life with never be " normal" I most likely will always Be "medically challenged. " But I'm not going to let being sick be the only thing I do in my life. I doing know how long my life will be, ( Im planning on dying when I'm 92)  but I'm not going to let my illness be the end of my story. I'm not going to live my life dying.
 Whether your sick or healthy  Tomorrow isn't promised to anyone. I'm going to life my life I'm a way that when I die, I'm going to die living.  Life is to short to have regrets, to not take chances, and to never dance in the rain.
Being sick, I have honestly truly  lived more than I did my 17 years of being somewhat healthy. The fear of joint pain doesn't control my life anymore.  I use to view life that it was a promise.. That I'm going to wake up tomorrow and it will be the same old grind. But because of my illness I know that isn't the case at all. Your whole world can change in a day. I now know that life isn't a promise,  its a present.  It's like what my sister always says,
" I don't care if my glass is half empty or half full, I'm just greatful there is something in the glass. "

Because of my illness, my faith has grown

Religion has always been a giant part of my life.

 I have always known that there is a God, that I have a Loving Father in heaven. But because of my illness I have gotten the chance to truly get to know him. I use to see God just as this all powerful being that created worlds without end. Now because of experiences I have had in my life, I know that he is that all powerful being and my loving Father in Heaven

 Through one of the worst experiences in my life, I was able to learn this truth.

When I got a feeding tube, I felt as though God had forgotten me.  I wondered why someone so loving, would let me go through something not only physically but emotionally terrible . Then as days passed with the feeding tube I grew  sicker and sicker. I began vomiting blood and was rushed to the emergency room.  As I sat in that ER I felt as though God didn’t care, that he had left me for dead. It was the spiritually lowest point in my life. But as I laid in that hospital bed, I felt a still small voice whisper to me “You need to say a prayer" and that feeling that I needed to say a prayer just wouldn't go away. I began to silently pray, I bared the contents of my heart to God. Expressing my fears, and asking him if he was truly there, if he really did care, and begging him to get me through this. As I prayed my answers became clear, I knew that God was there, that he loved me, and that I was going to be ok. During that week and 1/2 in the hospital, I felt him there. I saw his hand in my day to day life.  I  felt him carry me when I was too weak to stand. Whenever I felt alone and had the biggest dark cloud over my head, a friend or family member would pop by my room, and cheer me up with a surprise visit. Whenever I felt like my recovery was hopeless, my Dr. or Nurse would come into my room with a big smile on their face and tell me that my numbers were improving. Throughout that week and a 1/2, God would send me these little blessings to remind me to “Keep on fighting, Don’t give up on me now,  I will get you  through this”..

He got me through that week and 1 /2 and has gotten me through so many other scary situations. My health has literally and figuratively knocked me down on my knees so many times, and while I am on my knees I have been in the perfect position to pray. I know that God, My loving Father in Heaven, is the reason I am on my feet. He is the reason that I am still alive today. I know that he is there, he hears and answers every prayer, I know he loves each of us  more than we can even comprehend. I love my Heavenly Father so much, and I would be so lost without prayer. Without god, Without the Saviors Atonement, life would be hopeless. 

I don't know why I have to have this trial of health, but I know that there is a reason why I have to endure this. I believe that God is going to take me as I am, and use my illness as one of his tools to turn me into something better that I could ever imagine. I firmly believe what it says in Ether 12:27

 "And if men come unto me I will show unto them their weakness. I give unto men weakness that they may be humble; and my grace is sufficient for all men that humble themselves before me; for if they humble themselves before me, and have faith in me, then will I make weak things become strong unto them."

 If I had the chance to hand out chronic illnesses to anyone in the world, I wouldn't give one to a single soul. I wouldn't wish chronic illness on anyone. But if I had the chance to go back in time, and give myself a healthy body from the start, I honestly think I wouldn't do it.  I wouldn't trade what my illness has given me for anything.

It’s amazing how God has had so many beautiful things, come from the hardest thing I have ever experienced.