The Life of Me, Smile Magee :)

      Yesterday when me and my parents went out to dinner. One of my moms adorable friends ran up to me gave me a side hug and enthusiastically exclaimed !  " I'm so glad they found what was wrong! And now your going to be all better!" I gave her a confused look and She enthusiastically replied.  " The CANCER!, they found the cancer..,  and That's  what was causing all your health problems right?! Me and a Girl at work where just talking about this.. and you the other day and we are just so glad they found what was wrong and that your going to be ALL BETTER!"  My amazing care taker / superhero of a mom quickly  told her " The Cancer was just one of her  problems. Sadly, Not her only health problem."  After my Mom said that my moms friends  face just dropped. "My cheeks flushed red as I chuckled with Embarrassment and  responded.  " Yep, the cancer was just an add on! I still have all my other health problems.. the can...

( this post was previously published on www.sickchicks.com) I was raised in the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. For as long as I can remember, I was taught that I was a Child of God, that the Heavenly Father loved me, that life had a purpose and a plan, and that my worth was divine. But that knowledge and those answers weren’t truly mine until I became sick. When I got sick, for the first time in my life, I questioned my faith. I questioned if there was a point to this life, if my pain could have a purpose, and why bad things happened to good people. I questioned if God truly loved me, (because if he loved me why would he let me be so sick?) if my illness was some sort of wrath filled punishment, because I wasn’t “good enough,” or if He just didn't care that I suffer. I honestly got to the point where I questioned if there was even a God at all. As I began this eight year long quest to find a diagnosis, I went on a simultaneous one to find/ ...

The  world isn’t made for little girls who have broken bodies. My illness has always been invisible.  But I have always been in constant pain,  extremely uncoordinated, and unable physically do what my peers can do. And even in elementary school.  Kids can smell differences like that  Like a Shark to blood. In 1st grade when recess was EVERYTHING, and all of my friends began to want to play sports. (Something I have never been gifted at, or honestly physically capable of doing. ) I thought I was doomed to be an utter social outcast!  Like for example when my friends would all want to play kick ball. I would HIDE behind the tree,   Cringe when people made me take my turn. And try not to cry when people openly commented about how awful I was.  ( Because they didn’t know  how truly hard I was trying!)  ( this was the story when I tried ANY SPORT , or anything that required an ounce of athletic ability) But my dear mo...

I came into 2017 with a twinkle in my eye, and the knowledge that I wasn’t currently actively dying in my heart. Thanks to a Miracle ( the accidental discovery that my body and all it’s faulty parts LOVE and NEED prednisone ) I was finally off IV nutrition. I was gaining weight ( I was starting to resemble a women with actual curves, instead of an alien that desperately needed a cheeseburger) My body was attempting to digest food. ( I looked extremely pregnant.. but hey my urine wasn’t full of ketones. So I counted that as a major success!) I had a team of doctors that I deeply trusted. And I thought 2018 was going to be MY YEAR. Maybe the year I start school, Go on a grand adventure. And leave hospitals, IVs, and appointments in the past where they belonged. Me and my best friend have a tradition We started about when we were like 8 years old. that whatever song we hear at midnight on New Year’s Day is our theme song for the year.. And when it was “ The Greatest” by Sia I was just CE...

Dear August, Here we are again. I nearly forgot about your existence. And then Your arrival looms over me like a dark cloud. When back-to-school commercials start infecting the television And pictures of yellow school busses, and happy healthy children are plastered all over every store. I know that just days after you arrive everyone’s world will be out of “pause” And mine still will be. While the bright-eyed college kids I dream of being enter their dorms, prepared to unleash their potential to the world. I will continue to enter doctors’ offices. I will continue to fight a war with my health that may never end. I will be in the exact same place I was four years ago Where I felt I literally needed to put my job description on Facebook as “trying not to die.” Because after you come, August, People will stare, like I’ve grown a third head. Like no 21-year-old belongs in a non-college town. And continually ask me “how school is going.” And when I smile and say “I’m...

Last summer, I had a TERRIBLE, painful,  awful  cough that just wouldn't go away. At first my pulmonologists  guessed it was my windpipes collapsing, or possibly incredibly bad asthma. But through scans and testing, and treatments none  of the diagnosis's seemed to be right, and the cough just wouldn't go away. I ended up having to get a bronchoscope.   Which is a procedure where they shove this giant tube with a little camera on it. either down your nose, or throat, and feed it into your lungs. And do an array of test that involve, watter, coughing, and a bunch of other unpleasant things. This procedure is typically done under "twilight sedation".  Which means you are "awake" during the procedure. But so drugged and out of it you aren't really aware, don't feel pain or discomfort, and don't remember an ounce of the procedure when you "wake up".   But since my life apparently runs by "Murphy's law. " My par...